The smell of fresh bread filled my home on a bright Sunday morning, and as I stood there soaking it in, I realized something I wish I had understood before marriage: fresh bread alone is not enough to keep a marriage healthy.

Sometimes we conflate baking, cooking, and cleaning with womanhood, but is that it? This is coming from someone who loves to bake and cook! It is one of my greatest joys in life. However, very early on I thought those things defined my womanhood. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. There is nothing more warming and welcoming than the smell of fresh bread! It fills me with excitement and joy, and I know my husband counts it as one of his dearest blessings. He is a man who loves bread! What I have grown to learn is that it is not the bread itself, it is the act.

My womanhood is not defined by how I bake or whether I can cook, which was something I hated while courting my husband. 

People would always ask me, “Can you cook?” 

I know they meant well, but it made me falsely believe that my value as a woman was solely embodied by my ability to cook, when in fact it was not. 

Though I can cook and my husband loves my food, it was incredibly naive to think I could be a successful wife simply because I could cook.

Now, two years into marriage and through all the ups and downs of married life, I have learned that cooking is one way I show love. But if I relied solely on my ability in the kitchen, my marriage would not last. 

Here are the things I am learning to be most valuable in building a strong relationship.

I Don’t Always Need to Be Right

Once you start to live with someone, you begin to see all the parts of them that no one else sees, and sometimes that causes conflict. But I learned that when conflicts arise, I weigh their value against my relationship. I have learned that not every disagreement needs to become a battle I have to win.  

This does not mean that I don’t share my worries or concerns. It just means I share them without feeling the need to be right so that an argument does not transpire.

Some Things Do Not Need to Be Said

I have had moments when my throat felt like it was on fire and I wanted to share exactly what was on my mind, but I realized it might make me feel satisfied in the moment while ultimately not being helpful to my relationship. So I swallow the lump in my throat and do not say the thoughts out loud.

Think Long and Hard Before You Speak

Thinking is what helps me realize if something is significant enough to be said. In moments when emotions are high or something is fresh, it feels like the best thing to do is say exactly what you want in that moment. But most of the time, that is the worst thing to do. I learned to think, wait until I cool down, and if I still have the feeling that I need to say what is on my mind, then I do.

Compromise

Sometimes compromise is the hardest thing you can do! I have learned that I would rather be willing to compromise even if the other person does not want to. Some people think that is crazy, but remember, I am weighing this thing against the value of my relationship, so it is usually easier to take the lower road.

Be Willing to Change

Some people believe you are who you are and others simply have to accept it. I do not necessarily agree with that. I think it is important to grow and change, so when my husband brings something to my attention that I can do better, I have learned that I should be willing to hear him out and make the needed changes. Not to become a different person, but to become a better person. This brings me to the last bonus idea.

Remember You are On The Same Team

Some people will say, “No, your husband needs to be doing this, that, and the other,” or, “You do not have to change for anyone.” However, being married, I decided to spend the rest of my life with one person, which means we must be on the same team. So instead of becoming defensive, I remind myself that he always has my best intentions at heart, and if I feel otherwise, I can speak about it in a calm and respectful way.

Conclusion

So yes, the smell of fresh bread will always bring warmth into my home. I will continue baking because it brings me joy and because serving my family is something I love. But I am learning that marriages are not built on homemade meals alone. They are built through grace, patience, compromise, and choosing one another over and over again. Fresh bread may fill a home, but it is love and commitment that sustain it.

What have you learned about marriage that surprised you?